You would die to forget, I will live to remind you

I won’t say that I miss you,

but I do miss who you were.

Those drugs they changed you, shaped you

into everything you weren’t.

The subcriber you’ve reached is no longer in service.

I continue to try cause I just need to end this.

I hate the things you did to me,

and how they keep on haunting me.

This shadow that’s succeeding me just must be put to rest.

But no matter where or how, or however long,

you know that Thunder will still be our song.

including the way I feel about certain things, no matter how bad it may make you feel. I’m scared to tell you everything because then you’ll know what upsets me. You’ll know what makes me tick. You’ll know how to use my weaknesses against me. You’ll know how to hurt me in a way nobody very few people know how to do. You ask me to let you in. I will. eventually. But right now, i’m not ready to open up completely. I’m not ready to give you that power to hurt me. First, I have to trust 100% that you won’t. You ask me to trust you. I will. eventually. Just please please please be patient. I promise you that if you are, it’ll be worth the wait. I’m sorry if it takes me longer then other girls. I know that it does. But when i’m ready to give you everything, I’m ready to give you my all. I want to give you my all. I will. eventually.

Hang in there.

<3

I’m not dying :]

haha the cartilage around my sternum is inflammed. which sounds bad.. but i guess it’s not? I just have to rest and I can’t go to work tonight.. oh darn. :]

but the sun is shining and i’m ready to go out and enjoy it.

So i’ve been having chest pains the past few days now. Today they’re worse. So i decided to check WebMD for a list of possible causes. Not only did I get about 20 serious possible conditions, but I also got a big red box telling me to go see a doctor before I die. Okay, so it didn’t quite say it like THAT, but of course now i’m panicking. I’m going to the doc at 2:30 and can only hope i don’t die before then..

oh webMD why you gotta scare me like this?!

Loves adventure, travel, and philosophy. Incredibly ambiverted, cheerful and optimistic. Honest to a fault. Seeks knowledge. Moments of impatience. Messy and Quiet. Will talk to anyone for answers to her questions. Stubborn when justified. Has remarkably high standards. Roams freely. Eager to please. Fluent in sarcastic. Dislikes being tied down. Photo-taker. Desires to help humanity. Risk taker. Leaps before looking. Seeks the next challenge and the next big adrenaline rush. Has courage to fight for what she believes in. Constant need for movement and novelty. Open-minded but fiercely opinionated of a select few topics. Values freedom far above security. Over analyzes everything. Won’t settle for less. Excellent judge of character. Always in search of a new challenge or new social interactions. Has trouble finishing what she starts. Left handed middle-minded mess. 

Firm believer of: Love, rearranging furniture, staying outside until the sun goes down. conquering stage-fright, taking flash photography in the dark, never matching, the snooze button, cereal at midnight, running in the rain, sleeping all day, staying up all night, balance.

Who i’d like to meet: Girls who can dress themselves. Someone to travel abroad with me. Anyone who can make something out of nothing. Someone who would bring out the “Ellen” I like to be. Guys with messy hair, nice clothes, and conversation. Visionaries in general.

Myself in ten years: A job I’m happy to call my own, and a home to go back to at the end of the day. A plan worth fulfilling, yet dreams still in the making. A man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who will admit his faults, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.